A Happy Family Begins with Trust

One of the cornerstones of a happy and harmonious family is its ability to successfully make good decisions that impact the group. More important than that, it is critical to get all family members to buy into the decisions once they are made. Whether you are deciding on your next outing, what time your son needs to have his homework done, or when your daughter needs to be home from a date the decision process is critical.

No matter how you think your family works, kids and adults both care about the decision making process. In order for there to be buy-in, peace and support in your family the decision process must ultimately be perceived as fair.

Fairness is obviously a matter of who is making the determination, and so there are no set rules. But over the years I have found that decisions that are perceived as fair have some common traits.

First everyone impacted by the decision must believe they have had a real opportunity to contribute to the decision. Many fights and struggles in families start because a decision was made without one of the members playing. How many times do you hear “I can not believe you did that and didn’t even ask me…” If it happens a lot you need to check your process. It is probably doomed from the start.

Next all sides must feel the decision maker really listened to their input and considered their point of view prior to making the decision. This is particularly true when teens are involved. Never forget they are in the stage where you more than likely regularly tell them to “act their age” and “grow up”. If this is your message, then it is critical for you to listen to them as you would any other adult that had input to the decision process.

More then listening, all members of the family must believe they had a genuine chance to influence the decision. If your family is at the point where certain decisions are made by the children this is very important to stress. Kids need to understand that along with the ability to make decisions for themselves and others comes the responsibility to listen openly and weigh input. If you have modeled this behavior all along it will come naturally, so watch your actions with young kids and act consistently.

And finally, whatever the decision is everyone must understand the reason for the final choice. Early on in the process it is important to let everyone know if there is a pecking order to input. Especially with young children you want to listen but do not forget your role as parent. If the final decision comes down to “because I said so” deliver the message firmly but in a way that lets them know you at least listened. Help them understand why their position did not prevail.

One process you might want to try looks something like this:

1. Clearly define and communicate how the decision will be made and by who.

2. Next maintain an open mind set if the decision is truly open for discussion.

3. Actively listen to all parties involved. Encourage everyone to ask questions for clarification. Regularly provide feedback to test for understanding. Above all, everyone needs to show respect for differing points of view, don’t interrupt.

4. Once it is made, explain the decision and how you evaluated the information and made the choice.

5. Explain how everyone’s input was used. Clearly show how each family member contributed to the process, even if they didn’t prevail.

6. Last, openly and honestly recognize family members for all contributions (positive and negative) so they will want to participate in future decisions.

Obviously this is not the only process. Experiment, make your own. Just be sure to include each of the elements. If you do your decisions won’t be any easier but at least everyone in the family will understand them and believe they were treated fairly.

Keep Going and Keep Growing,

Steve